Determining what the right thing to say in your first online dating message to a woman can be tough. How do you get a woman's attention when she might be getting bombarded by messages 24/7?
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We analyzed thousands of messages from men across the country and created the infographic below to give you a peek into how other guys are doing it. Find out what everyone else is doing so you can stand out!
What Men Are Saying In Their First Online Dating Message
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Our team has combed through and analyzed thousands of messages sent to women by younger men in our research study to see exactly what they say in their first message and how you can use that data to improve your own online dating success.
We collected our message data from many different attractive women interested in dating younger men with widely varying:
- Locations
- Careers and incomes
- Ethnicities
- Religions
- Interests
- Ages (primarily 30-45)
Our goal was to create a general picture of how men initially communicate with older women online and we believe we have put together a fantastic picture. This is info that you can use everywhere online from the few legit hookup sites and apps to more traditional dating sites.
How To Use This In Your Own First Online Dating Message
There are 10 key takeaways from this infographic that can help you in your dating life:
1. Give her something to work with
The first message shouldn’t be a novel but it should make it easy for her to respond.
Nearly a quarter of men just said something like 'Hi' or 'what's up'.
Way to set yourself apart from the pack guys....
In this day and age, assume most people have ADD online - you only have a VERY brief window to catch someone’s attention.
This is especially true for a woman in online dating who has HUNDREDS of matches.
You DO NOT want to make her work to like you.
Most guys kept the first message under 20 words.
Shorter and punchier is better but 20 words may be too short.
If you just send her the typical 'Hi' or 'Whats up' you are going to get a very boring response.
Do you think that is a great way to start of the interaction?
2. Don’t be afraid to talk about yourself
Dale Carnegie said that a person’s favorite topic of conversation is themselves.
But if you never tell a woman anything about you in your first online dating message, she has nothing to be attracted to… unless she’s 100% superficial and only looking at your bod.
Only 14% of all men talked about themselves when it came to messaging older women.
Yes, it’s good to keep the focus of the conversation on her, what she likes, and so on… But make sure to tell her about you!
Hit her with a few of the more interesting tidbits about yourself so that she will want to learn more.
3. Most men talk about their fitness level or height (so don't)
So what should you talk about with the older woman and tell her about?
If you want to be different, DON’T talk about fitness level or your height… 63% and 42% of all men, respectively, messaged about those things.
Women do care about that stuff obviously.
But get her more interested in your personality and who you are.
Here are some more interesting things you can talk to her about:
- Travel
- Hobbies
- Things you have in common
- A funny moment
- Your motivations for what you do during the day
Take it deeper and don’t just be like any other guy.
Online dating is a numbers game but with a tiny bit more effort, you can drastically improve your results.
4. If you’re going to compliment her be specific
Too many guys gave women a generic compliment in their first online dating message.
When it came to complimenting a woman’s appearance, 50% said something like, “You are hot.”
60% said something like, “I like your profile.”
This is boring.
This doesn’t make her feel like you actually looked at or care about her.
You’ve got to be a bit different.
Find something specific you can compliment her on if you want to charm her: Her eyes, an article of clothing she’s wearing, even a personality trait that comes across while you two are texting.
Women don’t get that type of compliment a lot so it makes you stand out from the crowd and catches her attention.
5. A lot of guys go right for the date
8% of men asked the older woman out on a date in their first message.
While this can be seen as a bold move it is typically not very successful unless you are incredibly good looking.
A woman is not going to meet you offline unless she is interested in you and comfortable with you.
Peaking her interest can be pretty easy if you can convey that you have your life together through your profile.
Getting her comfortable enough to actually meet usually takes a little more work.
If you are blasting out messages to every girl you see online and don't care which you meet that is one thing.
If you are more selective and want to greatly increase you chances of actually meeting a woman in person you should wait until your third message to get her number or meet up in person.
6. Drink dates are popular but it can be good to mix it up
“Drinks” was the standard date most guys (32%) opted for in their first online dating message.
Drinks aren’t bad.
A few drinks helps to loosen people up and allows us to have better conversations.
But did you know that only 1% of guys asked older women out to dancing?!
That’s needs to change.
Dancing is a fantastic first or second date (even if you can't dance).
It allows you to show that you can take charge, have fun, and that you are not afraid to try something you might not be great at.
If you’re scared of going dancing because you don’t know how, take some basic lessons.
You don’t have to be amazing, but taking a dancing class once a week for part of the year will put you in the top 10% of guys and give you a HUGE advantage over everyone else.
7. Asking for sex straight up happens but not as much as you might think
Asking for sex right away is VERY polarizing in your first online dating message.
While you may be able to find some success with this tactic it is typically a pretty low percentage move.
Every woman that we spoke to was extremely creeped out by the guys who sent these messages.
It probably didn't help that these guys almost always spelled something wrong!
Most likely, you’ll be scaring away a ton of women who MIGHT be down, but are afraid of committing to sex right away, or are unfortunately afraid of being thought of as “easy”.
Only 2% of men asked for sex as the first date.
Intuitively, most of us guys know that if we ask a girl to have sex with us straight away, the answer is most likely going to be “No.”
If you’d like to REALLY play the numbers game this could work, assuming you have an amazing body and pictures, and you’re looking for a woman who just wants sex.
8. Most guys leave the date general but you need to make it specific
Most men chose to leave the date as something general, like hanging out (around 30%).
Far less men made it something specific, like visiting a landmark in the city (6%).
Leaving it open and general is “safer”: There’s less risk of pushback or rejection if she doesn’t like your suggestion.
But being specific is better.
Not only can you screen to find out if you’ll like the woman (if she hates what you want to take her to), but feminine energy prefers having a specific and guided plan.
The more open you leave it, the less the woman feels like she can relax.
Especially when it comes to older women, you want to let her know that you have your shit together.
So, keep it specific: 8PM at the *neighborhood* park.
9. Thinking about telling her that she’s beautiful?
Most guys shied away when it came to using more sexually charged language.
29% of men told a woman that she was beautiful, but only 5% said that she was sexy.
While it’s good to be complimenting her, again, don’t be afraid of rejection.
Sexually charge the interaction (but not TOO much like asking for sex right away).
You’ll be screening out girls who aren’t interested.
From all these takeaways you should know that it’s better to be DIFFERENT.
You DON’T want to be doing the same thing all other guys do, because you’ll just get lost in the crowd.
Here are some helpful tips from the 10 takeaways that can help you stand out:
- Keep the first message short (under 20 words) and send it after work (7pm) or during lunch.
- Don’t just make the first message, “Hi.” Make it punchy, like a question or a statement that intrigues her.
- If you’re going to compliment her, don’t make it generic. It’s better to make it about a specific character trait or body part.
- Don’t be afraid to tell her about yourself, but try not making it about your fitness level or height.
- Asking for sex is EXTREMELY polarizing - you probably won’t get many dates, but when you do….
- Ask her out on a very SPECIFIC date: “Let’s meet at XPM at Y place.”
Getting married or attached is a good thing! But, sometimes, all you might want is just a friend with benefits – or a one-night-stand, even. Not everyone is into long-term commitments!Yet, with the online world populated with many dating apps, it can be daunting to find the best hookup sites and apps for your sexual needs. It’s not uncommon to bump into bots, either.
Which is why we’ve done the heavy swiping for you to find the hookup apps that work best. It doesn’t matter if you’re into flings, booty calls, or one night stands, we’ve compiled the best hookup sites and apps so finding hook ups can be easier.
The Best Hookup Sites and Apps
- Best hookup app overall – AdultFriendFinder
- Best hookup app for women – Bumble
- Best free hookup app – Tinder
- Easiest hookups for guys – Ashley Madison
- Best new hookup app – Hinge
- New hookup app for threesomes – Feeld
- Like Tinder but only for hookups – Pure App
- Highest female to male ratio app – Seeking
- Best LGBTQ+ hookup app – HER
- Best free hookup site turned app – OkCupid
- Best app if you’re over 50 – SilverSingles
- Best gay hookup app – Grindr
- Best for BDSM hookups – Alt.com
- Best for Swingers – Swapfinder
- Best if you’re not interested in hookups – eHarmony
1. AdultFriendFinder – Best Hookup App and Site Overall
- A sexually active community
- A vast user base
- Freely access the platform’s blogs and groups
- Share erotic media
- Most members seek casual relationships
If you’re seeking sexual fun (or are looking to explore new things sexually), AdultFriendFinder could be a good match for you. Most people are sexually active here, and you can share erotic photos and videos to attract possible matches.
Also, because the site’s population is diversified, comprising seniors, gays, and bisexuals, you can find all sorts of no-strings-attached partners here. The platform offers various communication modes, including live chat, so you can contact other users with whichever one you like.
The user base at AdultFriendFinder couldn’t be larger, and most of the people reside in the United States. Sign up and access the website’s blogs and groups for free. It’s complimentary to leave your comments, too.
2. Bumble – Best Hookup App for Women
- Find matches on the go via an app
- Women are in charge of the game
- Millions of monthly visitors
- A reliable gender proportion
- Communicate with other users free of charge
And now look at this: a hookup app that empowers women! If you’re a woman and are looking to make the first move in a casual relationship, Bumble is right here.
The fact that gender proportion is almost equal is a bonus. It simply increases your chances to find someone.
Profile photos are public, and members can contact each other for free. So, if you’re a woman looking to be in charge of your connections, and chat with them for free, it could be time to join Bumble.
The site’s app lets you be in charge of your connections on the go. Which is a plus considering there couldn’t be more members to check out. The platform boasts millions of monthly visitors.
What Are The Best Serious Dating Sites
3. Tinder – Best Free Hookup App
- A location-based matchmaking system
- Messages other users for free
- Access live video calls
- Millions of people to check out
- User activity is high
For those who fancy free features on a hooking up app, Tinder could be the place to be. Most of the core features are complimentary, including sending messages (for matched members). Other freebies include locating members near you, downloading the platform’s app, and uploading images.
Tinder has millions of people, which increases your chances of bumping into a match. Member activity couldn’t be higher, too. Meaning, potential sex partners could make the first move!
Enjoy live video calls, and connect to Snapchat, Spotify, and other apps hassle-free. Don’t worry if you’re from the LGBTQ+ community, either. Tinder has got a place for you.
4. Ashley Madison – Easiest Hookup App to Use
- Most members seek extramarital affairs
- An easy-to-navigate platform
- A large membership pool
- An active community
- Vie member’s profile pictures for free
If you’re seeking hookups apps with an easy-to-use interface, Ashley Madison has got you covered. The large membership boosts your chances to find someone, and the active community means you’re less likely to have a blank inbox.
This app, which makes for a reliable spot for people looking for new affairs, is also easy to move. Thankfully, you can download it for free and get the ball rolling on the go.
At Ashley Madison, you can sign up, use search filters, and view other members’ photos without spending a penny. The friendly user interface couldn’t be more convenient.
5. Seeking – Best for Sugar Hookups
- A large user base
- Gender proportion is almost equal
- Contact other users freely
- Fit for sugar daddies and sugar babies
- Most users are into casual relationships
One of the best hookup sites with a reliable male-to-female ratio, Seeking is a safe spot for sugar daddies looking to get into casual relationships with younger people. And vice versa.
The platform couldn’t be easier to navigate and features many users, who could be potential partners for casual sex — or even a one-night-stand.
Contact other users for free, provided your profile image is approved. And if you’re ever on the move, Seeking’s app has got you covered. Download it for free — it’s available on both Android and iOS devices.
Like most entries on this list, this platform offers complimentary services. Register, find matches, and chat with them free of charge.
6. OkCupid – Best Free Hookup Site and App
- High member activity
- Most users seek “serious” hookups
- Core features, including messaging, are available for free
- A large user base
- Access a mobile app for Android and iOS devices
If you’d rather use a free site rather than a complimentary app, here’s a dating spot that offers most of its core features for free. The user base here couldn’t be larger and more active. Consequently, you could easily run into a potential hookup partner — considering several members are after “serious” hookups.
Enjoy a whole load of free features on this site, including signing up, searching and messaging other users, and keeping track of who you like. Other freebies include viewing pictures of possible matches, importing your photos from leading social media sites, and downloading their app.
Register and get immediate match suggestions for your pick.
7. SilverSingles – Best Hookup Site for Over 60
- The platform is safe to use
- View other members’ photos for free
- The site is designed to suit older singles
- A near-equal gender proportion
- Access a clutter-free app
For our senior citizens, this could be the place to hook up with your “agemates.” The site is designed to suit older adults: it’s safe and easy to use, and it features a detailed personality test during signup.
SilverSingles has an almost equal gender proportion, too, increasing your chances of finding other casual-sex seekers. Most of the members are aged 50+, so you only knock into matches within your age range, and are educated.
The platform has a dating app, which is available on android and iOS devices, and you can download it free of charge. Freebies at Silver Singles include viewing other users’ photos, getting match suggestions, and favoriting possible casual partners.
8. Alt.com – Best for BDSM Hookups
- Members seek BDSM encounters
- A large user base
- Detailed profiles
- Active users are aged 25 to 34
- Access live video chats for free
Are you looking to fulfill your sexual fantasies? Alt.com could be your best app for hooking up — most members here are into BDSM. The site boasts millions of users, too, so you might be able to find a partner.
Active users are aged 25 to 34, just so you know what age range to target potential matches. And the detailed member profiles let you assess possible dates before throwing an opening line.
Like all entries on this list, freebies are no exception at Alt.com: register, flirt, and join chat rooms without spending a dime.
9. Grindr – Best Gay Hookup App
- Most members seek short-term connections
- An active, large user base
- Users are 100% men
- Matches are location-based
- Contact possible matches free of charge
Any gays in the room? You might want to look no further than Grindr. The high user engagement on the platform makes for a good chance to land yourself a match. And the location-based matching system couldn’t be more convenient. Who wouldn’t want a sex partner in their locality, after all?
The membership at Grindr is 100% men so your chances of finding potential gay dates aren’t compromised.
Register for free on this no-strings-attached relationships app and enjoy other freebies, including registration, viewing matches, exploring member profiles, messaging potential dates, and more.
10. Swapfinder – Best for Swingers
- Members are sexually active
- Users are open to couple-sharing
- A large user base
- Members seek casual sex encounters
- Join chat rooms free of charge
True to its name, Swapfinder is a partner-swapping spot. And it couldn’t be easier finding casual sex encounters on the platform. Members are vocal about their sexual preferences, and they’re open to couple-sharing.
The platform boasts a large user base (with the vast majority of members from the United States) widening your chances of finding a potential match. And the fact that the users here are sexually active is a plus.
Swapfinder lets you join chat rooms and comment on media, such as videos and photos, for free.
Join free of charge and get the ball rolling!
11. eHarmony – Best for Mature Couples
- The site features a section for mature singles
- View other members’ profiles for free
- Profile sections are detailed
- Thorough compatibility test upon registration
- The platform is quite simple and easy to navigate
Mature couples, where are you? eHarmony could be your best app for hookup. Matchmaking is based on an in-depth personality test, boosting compatibility. The profiles here couldn’t be more detailed, too, just so you can assess potential matches before breaking the ice.
And don’t worry, eHarmony knows you’re a senior citizen. They’ve made it easier for you to navigate their platform, let alone offering an entire section dedicated to you, the older people.
Freebies aren’t an exception on the site as well: from registering to viewing profiles and favorite members, you won’t spend a penny.
Thanks to eHarmony’s app, you don’t have to be taking your PC with you everywhere, given your age. Grab your phone (or tablet) and search for matches on the go.
Runner-Ups: The Best of the Rest Hookup Apps
- Her – hookup app for LBGTQ+ community only
- PURE – a platform for spontaneous hookups
- Victoria Milan – a hookup platform for secret affairs
- Heated Affairs – a dating site for discreet hookups
- Gay Friend Finder – a dating site for local gay hookups
- Dust – a hookup spot for anonymous sexting
- Plenty of Fish – a platform for hookups with love touches
- 99 Flavors – a dating app for the sexually adventurous
- Get In On – a hookup app for all sexual taste and preferences
- Clover – a dating app for personal hookup encounters
- Red Hot Pie – a site for various hookup set-ups
Know the Ins and Outs of the Hookup App Scene:
How to Choose the Best App for Hookups
While we may have listed the best apps for hookup out there, it doesn’t hurt to dig out one (or more) for yourself — just in case. Here’s how:
Weigh Your Wallet
Some apps offer most of the core features for free. Others offer them for a fee. Ask yourself if a potential free platform would best serve your needs — or if you’d rather spend a few bucks on a subscription site, without stretching your wallet
Experiment with Various Platforms
Sometimes, experiments yield the best results. Experimenting with different potential dating networks could help land yourself the best dating sites out there.
“Expensive” May Not Mean “Quality”
We couldn’t stress this more. But some of the expensive platforms out there don’t offer quality services. Flipping the coin, some of the less costly ones don’t offer mediocre services. Just keep it in mind as you delve the internet for the best dating spots.
How Do You Want to Communicate?
Would you be better off with a live chat? Or, you’d rather message potential, instead. And is email communication your cup of tea? email. These, and more, are some of the things you want to consider, just like with long-term dating apps.
Read User Reviews
It doesn’t matter if you aren’t into long-term dating, but the rules remain unchanged. Read feedback from previous users before using a potential dating app. It’ll help separate the wheat from the chaff.
General Dating Sites or Niche Sites?
Some hooking up apps are designed specifically for hookups. Some cater to a whole load of different dating set-ups, with casual dating being a fraction of it. Go for what best meets your needs.
What Are the Best Free Hookup Sites?
Most of the top hookup sites aren’t completely free to use. But if you’re seeking spots with most of the features available for free, including customer support 24 hours a day, these could fit the bill.
- OkCupid
- AdultFriendFinder
- Tinder
- Seeking
- Bumble
- Ashley Madison
Tips for Hooking Up
Are you looking to use the best apps for a hookup like a pro? Then you need to master the rules of the game. We hope these tips help.
Don’t Go All In
Unlike a serious relationship, a casual sex encounter is temporary, and your potential partner probably knows it. Going all in may get your feelings hurt when it’s time to wrap things up.
Know When to Leave
After you’ve gotten intimate once or twice, or so, read between the lines to gauge if your “lover” has already given up. This is temporary dating, after all! And if they’re acting distant after a booty call, it might be time to leave.
The Opening Lines
Use action-initiating opening lines when making the first move. You want a potential date to stick around for a convo. So, make them do it. Otherwise, you might never get your messages replied to, even on the best app for a hookup!
Don’t Be Creepy
The best way to never land yourself a potential match is to be creepy. Avoid it if you’re, in fact, seeking a “serious” casual relationship.
Location Matters
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Are you looking for potential matches near your location? Then do it on a platform with geolocation features. A site like Tinder may get you one, or more, local hookups.
How to Stay Safe When Hooking up Through Dating Apps
Safety comes first when seeking partners via dating apps, including hookup apps. You want to keep an eye on these tips:
- Don’t share your financial info
- Meet publicly for the first time
- Ensure (subscription) payments are done over a secure server
- Beware of bots
- If you decide to get intimate, use protection
The Best Hookup Sites and Apps: The Takeaway
Online dating need not be complicated. Whether you’re seeking the best apps for hookups or dating sites for casual encounters, we hope our top picks help!
Our winner is AdultFriendFinder: The vast majority of people here aren’t only seeking casual relationships but also are sexually active. Our first and second runner-ups are eHarmony and Tinder, respectively. These cater to the needs of older and younger people, in that order, as far as casual sex goes.
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Now, go enjoy casual fun like you’ve never before!